The Therapists Use of Self in Psychotherapy

Beyond the Blank Slate – Reconsidering neutrality in relational psychotherapy

In the quiet, unfolding space of the therapy room, we are often taught to be the steady presence – the calm in the storm. Yet as a Transactional Analyst working with a relational approach and philosophy, we are also invited into something braver: to bring our full, authentic selves into the therapeutic relationship. Not as blank slates, but as humans-in-relationship, co-creating the healing space.

This idea – that the therapist’s use of self is not only inevitable, but essential – sits at the heart of Relational TA. It challenges more traditional, one-directional models of therapy, where neutrality was once considered a mark of professionalism. Instead, it asks us to engage, to be responsive, and to recognise that therapy is a living, mutual process.

A Vital Part of the Process – Why the therapist’s self isn’t a distraction – it’s a tool

In my work, I believe emotional distress is not a pathology to be “fixed” but a meaningful response to life experiences. Similarly, I see the therapeutic relationship not as treatment but as a collaborative space – where safety, insight, and transformation emerge through connection. In this light, the therapist’s self is not a distraction, but a vital part of the work.

Noticing the Subtle Signals – How attunement and countertransference inform the work

Using ourselves doesn’t mean telling our stories or shifting the focus. It means becoming attuned to how we are impacted in the moment. It means noticing subtle shifts in our body, emotion, and thinking – those flickers of countertransference – and being willing to explore what they might be telling us about the relationship and the client’s world.

What It Might Look Like in Practice – A moment of frustration, curiosity, and deepened insight

For example, there may be times I am with a client who repeatedly minimises their own needs and defers to others in every story they tell. They may focus on others much more than themselves and at some point in the session, I might notice a subtle sense of frustration rising. I might feel a compulsion to interrupt, to say, “But where are you in all of this?”. Rather than ignoring this reaction, I will pause internally and reflect on why I am feeling this way. We are influencing one another all the time and pausing to be curious about what is going on for me is a way of paying attention to unconscious processes. This moment of countertransference – of feeling dismissed or overlooked – may be echoing what it feels like to be the client in their own life. By staying with the feeling and gently naming it, I might say, “I notice I’m feeling a bit lost in our conversation – like your voice isn’t quite in the room. I wonder if that’s something you experience too?” – I am using my response as a doorway into deeper relational insight.

Being Raw. Being Real.

When we allow ourselves to be real, we offer something potent: a model of authentic connection. We show that vulnerability can coexist with containment, that clarity and compassion can live side-by-side. And in doing so, we give clients the opportunity to experience something often missing in their lives – a relationship where both people matter.

There’s a humility in this way of working. It demands curiosity, supervision, and the courage to acknowledge when we get it wrong. It goes beyond interpersonal relatedness and invites us to reflect, grow, and let ourselves be shaped by the therapeutic process.

Perhaps more than anything, the use of self is about being human with another human. In a world where so many feel unseen, that in itself can be a radical – and healing – act.

Wanting more?

If you would like to find out more about psychotherapy sessions together, please get in touch. We can start the conversation about what you need at this point in time and how we might be able to work together.